I don’t really know what to
say anymore, My life is a real mess, a lot of ideas are haunting me. Maybe
I need a therapist because maybe I have a psychological problem.
First , I’m feeling incredibly
alone even if I have friends , I’m telling my self that I might need a guy in
my life like a friend but I can’t leave it that way because in my mind and
according to movies It always ends with love.
Second , I have this one
special thing about me , I’m not sure I can call it special . I’ve never been
loved my somebody and this is totally frustrating me the whole day . In
university or even in the bathroom , sometimes I just start crying and
telling my self what the hell is wrong with me . I’m nice with everyone and no
one wants to be friend with me .
I’ve been alone my whole life
. I never had a true friend who understands me and everything . And I was used to it , and every new year I was telling my self that I must change it , and
It never happened. Now I’m a college
student and I’m screwed . At school I’m totally laughing and having fun just to hide my
sadness and It’s working but inside of me I’m always thinking why Am I doing
this ? is it necessary to act in front of people? . But I just don’t know the answer .
NOW , the biggest problem I
have is that everytime I have an eye contact with a boy I strangely thing that
there’s something between us and maybe he will talk to me because he likes me,
but inside of me I know that no of this will happen It’s just my imagination
and a way to make my self strong and
handle this idea of not being alone.
There’s another thing ,
sometimes when a classmate wants to borrow a pen from me , he talks to
me , I don’t know I feel like he wants to get to know me and I get so nervous .
this idea is insane It’s pissing me off And I try to change it but I can’t .
Sometimes in mornings I spend so
much time choosing my clothes because I want to look nice in front of guys who
actually (doesn’t give a damn about me) . And so I tell my self why would I do this things
?
I never had a boyfriend and
that sucks , god damn it I’m 18 . sometimes I just thing that I might want to
be a prostitute ( not a real one ) . But I might to a guy ( who I don’t know )
and whose only job is to kiss me and tell me nice words and who doesn't make me feel like a piece of shit . That’s an insane idea
I know !!!!!
Anyways I’m not sure if it’s a
psychological issue or not , please help me and especially about this idea of
EYE CONTACT is it happening to you or Am I the only one ? this is so serious
I’m crying right now while I’m writing because I’m badly hurt and damaged. THANK YOU.
